


I Don’t Want The World To See Me

by JobieJodie (TootsDingle)



Category: Emmerdale
Genre: Angst, F/F, Multi, Multi Chapter, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-10-14
Updated: 2019-12-16
Packaged: 2020-12-16 02:41:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 11
Words: 16,953
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21028916
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TootsDingle/pseuds/JobieJodie
Summary: Vanessa first notices Charity in a door way on her way to university, as Charity starts to trust the student vet were will their new relationship lead?





	1. Vanessa

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first fan fic but I’ve had this idea for a while.
> 
> The story is set sometime after Charity has had Ryan and shes ended up back on the streets. Vanessa is a bright eyed university student. 
> 
> Please leave a comment any advice, criticism or feedback greatly appreciated.
> 
> Fine me on twitter @TootsDingle! Also Thankyou To Alex Who Proof Read This x

Its cold Vanessa notes as she walks through the streets of Leeds city centre. It 7am and although lectures won’t begin until nine, there is so much studying to be done. Veterinary school is taking its toll on the young blonde, its only three months in and she’s ready to give up but of course it’s not in her nature ,not when you have a point to prove. She walks the familiar walk past the Tetley towards the canal when she spots her. The hunched figure of a girl she sees most days, Vanessa sees the tension in her body, the dried blood around her finger tips, the way even though she appears asleep she watches everybody, waiting for someone to do they’re worse. Despite all this Vanessa does what she’s done every morning since she spotted her. She stops at the small stall selling coffee and breakfast items to the workers of Leeds and purchases two coffees and four rounds of toast. She makes her way over the road to the door way and places both next to the blue sleeping bags that covers her legs. There’s no thank you. No acknowledgement of the offered items. But as she walks away she turns her head to see the girl pick up her coffee with one hand and removing the toast from the small paper bag and tentatively taking a bite. She catches Vanessa’s eye and with a small nod and goes back to her breakfast.

The rest of her walk to the university building is always her favourite part of the day. The winter sun is just starting to rise and makes the city look like a magical wonderland, with all its greys and dull tones mixed with the reds, pinks and oranges of another day in the industrial city. Vanessa herself cuts a colourful dot amongst the new colours of the day, dressed in her yellow coat and yellow body warmer, her favourite items of clothing. The tone matched her often “sunny” personality and always reminded her to keep happy no matter what life could throw her way. And life hadn’t always been kind to her. Her childhood has been what most people would describe as perfect, a small semi-detached house with a garden to its rear, weekend trips to the sea-side, two weeks trips abroad in the long summer holidays and a mum and dad who were very much in love. However, behind closed doors there was a different story to the one the neighbours saw. Her mother was only ever interested in how well she was doing at school, as a way to boast to her tennis club friends. This meant that she was forced to study for hours and hours a day and would often miss out on what her peers were doing after school. Her dad, although he was the more relaxed of the two, would often disappear for hours with no real excuse as to where he was. It was only when she has turned 13 and he up and left did she find out there was a string of other women he played happy families with. 

After her dad left Vanessa had never felt so alone. Her mother somehow blamed her for what has happened and often took out her frustrations on the young girl. Not in physical way but in the venom in her voice. She would often tell her that she wasn’t smart enough to be a vet that she wasn’t pretty enough, she wasn’t perfect enough and in some ways she had begun to believe her. Vanessa had resolved to blame her mother’s resentment of her on the belief that she looked more like her father. She had his light blue eyes that could show every emotion possible. Her build was similar; she was slight yet muscular. There was facial similarities such as her nose, the small button that helped her glasses to rest on. Her jaw line was angular but not in the masculine way of her father. Her only similarity to her mother was her height and at 5ft 2 she could certainly use more of that. 

As Vanessa packed up her things ready to start her official day, her mind traveled to the girl in the door way. Wondering how she spent her day and if other people would treat her with kind.


	2. Charity

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everyone who read and left kudos on the last chapter. It really helps give me confidence to continue. I feel so much better about this chapter.
> 
> All comments good or bad and kudos is always very gratefully received. Also thank you the the lovely Alex for being my sounding board and proof reading my chapters and for being ever supportive. 
> 
> As ever come find me over on twitter for loads of Vanity goodness @TootsDingle.

Charity doesn’t sleep or is she does it doesn’t feel like it. She tries to sit up in the makeshift bed in the doorway of a long forgotten bar. Her ribs burn there’s a definite break she thinks, as her fingertips graze the deep cut on her top lip. The metallic taste of blood ghosting the tip of the tongue. Last night's events come flooding into her mind like a damn that's burst its banks. She had taken up her usual patch outside Leeds station around 6 pm, already a bottle of whisky down to help stop the pain she was bound to endure. She was hoping to catch the men leaving their boring desk jobs and who knew their wives wouldn't satisfy their pleasure. She made a promise to herself to only put herself through it once tonight, that's all she needed to quell the hunger in her stomach. 

That promise was broken once she started. In total she had taken four men last night. Each one wanting more than the last. A slap here. A bite their. But the last of them had truly beaten her. He had taken her down a small alley and rammed her against the wall, his hand around her throat closing it tighter and tighter until she all but begged him to stop. His rough hands pawed at her flimsy shirt, grabbing her bra he pulled to the side as he bit her breast drawing blood to the surface. She felt his hands on her shoulders forcing her down to her knees, the gravel and glass below like small paper cuts on the delicate skin. He pulled his underwear down and forced himself into her mouth. Charity balked as he hit the back of her throat over and over again. All the while calling her a bitch, whore, a worthless slut. The bearded man dragged her to her feet by her unruly blonde curls, he threw her back against the wall and entered her. The pain shot through Charity like knife. She quietly sobbed as she tried to take her mind off of the pain. Her head was swirling as the man withdrew, finally finishing his assault. 

But he hadn't stopped their. Just as Charity had begun to straighten herself out that when he took his first punch to her ribs. As she fell to the ground he rained down blows. Her face, her stomach, her head. She put her hands up to defend herself but that only seems to make things worse. After one final strike he stood up and kicked her in her ribs before throwing £20 at the terrified girl and walking away. Charity sat up cautiously and dragged herself back to the wall, she could feel the blood trickling down her face and the swelling just below her eyebrow. Shaking hands but the £20 not into her pocket,with her legs trembling she forced herself to her feet. She immediately threw up. The pain in her lower body taking on a life of its own. Charity knew she had to get back to her bed, the doorway near the canal that had now become home. She staggered through the dark streets of Leeds, the twenty minute walk seeming like a marathon as pain seared through her body. On reaching her doorway she collapsed onto the pile of cardboard and sleeping bags, the resemblance of a bed, as sleep took over. 

As the morning noises of a new day brings her back to her senses, she notices the small yellow dot against the dark city outline. Her routine is familiar to Charity, her movements like a dance that only the two of the are aware. She watches her threw the small slit between her hood and her sleeping bag that has now been pulled up above her nose. The girl stops at the breakfast cart on the other side of the street, she places her order and the owner produces two cups and two small brown packages. She makes her way towards Charity and places one of each at her feet and walks away. She counts to ten before picking up the coffee cup to warm her hand while the other takes a piece of toast out of the bag. As she takes a small bite her green eyes meet the blue of her donator. With a small nod shes goes back to her breakfast with the image of the blonde in her mind. 


	3. I Just Want You To Know Who I Am

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for all the kudos and comments about the last chapter, I honestly couldn't do it with out them!
> 
> I would recommend listening to Iris by Goo Goo Dolls as this is were I got the name for the fic and most chapters will been named after lines in the song. 
> 
> Find Me On Twitter: @TootsDingle

Christmas comes around fast. The city has taken on a new identity. Christmas lights are strung on every available surface, the frost makes the pavement crunch underfoot and the bitter cold takes even the hardest of northerners by surprise. Their little game has gone on for weeks now. They still haven't spoken a word to each other. However, Charity has been trying to catch her eye a lot more and small smiles have been passed between them. Vanessa has been overwhelmed with the amount of work piling up around her and the extracurricular activities that come with student volunteer week. The week before Christmas break each degree subject was expected to pick out a vulnerable group within the local community and bring Christmas cheer to these individuals. The veterinary school had decided to make care packages for the ever increasing homeless community in Leeds. 

To keep herself from literally running away from the stress of the week all she can do is countdown the hours until the 2 week Christmas break. 168 to be exact. Vanessa is sat in her room when,Rhona, her best friend bursts into the small space.

“Ness! Please tell me you can help with the annual veterinary school volunteer week” The brown haired girl begged slightly out of breath

“ It depends on exactly what I have to do? I've already sorted through all the donations and packed care packages what else can I possibly do?” She asks not looking up from the book she was currently taking notes from. 

“Come with us to hand the care packages out?” Rhona sees the look of exasperation on her face “ Just one night, please, Paddy has pulled out and I need one more person and you know I'd do anything for you….”

“ Fine! Fine! Just one night Rhona and then I'm done with this volunteer thing”

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

That night Vanessa finds herself outside of Leeds train station with twenty of her classmates handing out the care packages. Its minus four and even under her four layers of clothing she is cold. Many of the people who have approached them tonight have been thankful for the small gift, some take the parcels quietly with just a small smile of thanks. Some stay and chat for what seems like hours. Vanessa enjoys this part the most. Hearing their stories, being able to treat them how many others won’t and even at various times of the evening being their shoulder to cry on. 

It's when shes taking a break,she sees the familiar cream coat shes sees every morning. The girl has positioned herself away from were the students are but is watching closely as the other members of her community come away with the packages. Vanessa can see that she looks nervous, she can see the internal struggle within her head, the struggle of should she approach the group or just stand at the sidelines. Vanessa grabs one of the boxes and slowly makes her way over to the bench the girl is sat on. As she gets closer she can see the reminisce of a bruise above her eye, its yellow and light brown in places but the swelling still seems to be their. A small strip of butterfly stitches sits on her upper lip holding it together and her little finger is strapped to its neighboring finger. A scuffle has taken place at some point or another she thinks. Vanessa sits on the bench, making sure to leave plenty of space between them and places the box down. 

Charity watches her from the corner of her eye. Her head is like a battlefield. A part of her wants to run, get up off of the bench and leave the smaller blonde on her own. The other part wants to stay, to get a care package she so desperately needs but she's so aware of the danger. The danger that this girl could hurt her. Plenty of people have given her things over the years; food, a warm place to sleep, clothes but they've always wanted something in return. Charity can feel the other girls eyes fully on her, examining the cuts, bruises and breaks. She turns her head to look into the blue eyes of her girl. The girl who looks after her more than others have. 

“ We need to stop meeting like this” Vanessa says softly chuckling. The breath leaves Charity's lungs at the sound, she's never heard anything as enchanting as that. 

“ That tends to happen when you stumble upon me at work and at home” She fires back breaking eye contact to look at the box between them. 

Vanessa can see the slight smile that appears even though it doesn't quite reach her eyes. 

“Thank you by the way… for ...for the toast and stuff it helps make mornings a bit brighter” The way she stuttered her way through the simple declaration of thanks makes Vanessa's heart swell.

“ Your welcome, it's nice to be able to share my breakfast with someone, you don't really get that in halls. This is yours if you want it too?” She says nodding towards the box. Charity takes it tentatively and opens the lid. A sudden feeling erupts inside her that she's not felt for a while but it feels warm low in her stomach. The box contains things she's been needing for a while; clean underwear, socks, toothpaste, wipes, cereal bars among other things she never knew she needed. 

Vanessa watches her look through the box carefully, her fingers taking even the smallest items out of the box like their the crown jewels. The sound of the lid snapping shut breaks the temporary quiet moment. Vanessa hears her name from the direction in which Rhona has been watching her. She stands up and faces Charity. 

“ I better go seems they might actually need help”. She says pointing in the direction of the group. “I'm Vanessa by the way” She adds as an afterthought.

“ Charity. I’ll see you tomorrow?” She asks with a hint of desperation in her voice.That takes her by surprise. 

“ Yeah! Always”

And with that she's gone, dancing in the street towards her friends. Charity stands and makes her way into the shadows. Both turn round and catch each other's eye, they nod and smile both knowing what that means. The small token of thanks that's only for them.Both of them can look forward to the morning.


	4. Your The Closet To Heaven That I’ll Ever Be.....

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As Ever, Thank You So Much For All The Support, Kudos And Comments! 
> 
> Thank You To Alex For Always Being Supportive, Letting Me Panic In Her DMs And Proof Reading ❤️
> 
> Fine Me On Twitter - @TootsDingle

The next morning both women can feel a shift in their unconventional relationship. At 7 am Charity notices the small blonde from her doorway and eagerly waves. As Vanessa smiles back and waves Charity feels her heartbeat quicken.She recognises this feeling, the start of love although she can never remember her heart beating as fast as it is now, just by the sight of someone she barely even knows. When she looks up again Vanessa is stood in front of her, their breakfast in her mitten covered hands. 

“Move over then” Charity freezes not quite sure if she's heard correctly or not.This is the first time anybody has wanted to sit with her, in her space. She shuffles over as far as she can on the small doorstep and points to the space that has been made. Vanessa takes her place next to Charity and carefully hands her a paper cup and placing the brown bag next to her. 

“Thanks Kid, I didn't think you would come” She says shyly cradling the warm cup in between both hands. 

“ I’ve been doing this everyday since the beginning of September, Why wouldn't I be here?” Charity takes a minute before answering. Vanessa doesn't see her the way others who walk past her do. Vanessa actually sees her as a person, she actually wants to buy her breakfast and it's not so she can build her ego. It's just because that's who she is, she just wants to help make things that little bit better. 

“Well after last night…. Well I mentioned about being at work and I mean it's one thing being on the streets but it's another being a. Well being a…. Soliciting and I'd understand if you didn't want to do this whole, well whatever this is because of what people think and”

“Charity” Vanessa interrupts. “ You do what you do because you have to. Because your doing whatever you can to get through the day. And yeah, I hate the thought of you doing it but there's no judgement, people can think what they want, were just two girls who have breakfast together.Although you could share some of that sleeping bag”. She laughs. Charity nos she's teasing, trying to lighten the mood. She wants to come back with an equally teasing comment but her mind is blank. Nobodys ever been that honest with her or even looked her in the eye and told her they understand. That they understand that life hasn't been easy and that what she does is hard but their was and is no choice. Finally, she looks at her and simply says “ Well if you didn't take up so much room”.

Vanessa shakes her head smiling and they settle down into comfortable silence while they eat their toast. From down on the step she starts to understand why Charity has said what she had earlier. Some people are staring, some don't even make eye contact pretending to be on their phones, others simply shake their head in Charities direction. Vanessa all of a sudden feels protective, if people took a minute just to sit with her they'd see that all this was simply out of necessity and not something that anyone would willingly choose. She can feel Charity eyes on her watching her with a hint of concern knitted across her forehead. 

“Can I assume that's how you got hurt….. At work” Charitys body suddenly goes tense. Vanessa waits patiently for an answer, she doest want to push Charity but she knows that the dressing on her lip needs changing and that the strapping holding her finger together will need to be changed to. She has packed a small bag full of all the things she would need to do that for her if Charity would let her. 

“Some men aren't as kind as others. They think that because your desperate for money that they can do what they want and that when you say no you don't really mean it. They think because they're paying you that you want this”. The venom in her voice is harsh, she doesn't mean to direct it at the other blonde, but she knows that she will never quite understand what it's like. 

“ Well, I think your worth so much more” Vaneesa says, tears choking in her throat. “And you can say no but I really think them dressing and strapping on your hand needs changing” She says pulling the small ziplock bag out of her backpack. She shows Charity the contents and promises that it won't take long.

Charity feels overwhelmed by her gesture and by her words. She cant remember feeling anything other than worthless, but this girl thinks she's actually worth something and that makes her feel a warmth she's not felt for a while. She wants to let Vaneesa help but she can feel the fear rising in her chest, the anxiety making it hard to breathe at the prospect of being hurt again. “ Please don't hurt me” She whispers into the small space between them. “I promise Charity I just want to make them better, If you want me to stop just say and i'll stop, no pressure”

Charity slowly places her left hand on the blondes knee, the strapping holding her little finger still is black with grime. Vanessa picks up the hand and carefully removes the strapping, her eyes flicking between her task and Charities face for any sign that she needs a break. She takes the new bandage out the bag and straps it up again. “ That okay?” She asks. Charity just nods not trusting herself to speak. Next she places her hand on the other woman cheek and Charity can’t help put sink into the touch. Vanessa turns her head to look at the lip, its deep, definitely been made by ring. She takes the plaster off and feels Charity wince. Vanessa swipes her thumb over her cheek, the motion calming her down. She takes an antiseptic wipe, dabbing carefully over the stitches. Before replacing the plaster. 

“ All done” Vanessa says quietly. “ Thank you” Charity says tears threatening to make their way out. 

“ I've got to go” Although in truth she could sit there all day with Charity. She stands to her feet and Charity is looking up at her fear and anxiety taking over hear features. “ I promise I'll be back tomorrow”. Without thinking she drops her lips to the other woman's head, leaving a small kiss in its path.


	5. And I Don't Want To go Home Right Now

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everyone who has read, left kudos and comments its very much appreciated. 
> 
> I wont be uploading on Wednesdays as normal because the next chapter is quite a heavy one and I really want to get it right, so this is an extra long one to make up for it. 
> 
> This is the first time I've wrote like this so any feedback would be great.
> 
> Find me on Twitter @TootsDingle

The new routine they find themselves in is blissfully domestic. The last four days Vanessa has sat with Charity while they eat breakfast. They talk about everything and nothing, sometimes they sit in comfortable silence watching the world go by. This morning is tinged with both sadness and from Charity’s view fear. This time tomorrow Vanessa will be leaving Leeds to go home for two weeks and she’ll be on her own again. 

Vanessa starts rummaging in her backpack and produces an envelope with Charity’s name written on the front in gold pen. She hands it to her, green eyes quizzically looking into her own. “Merry Christmas Charity”

She runs her finger along the neat handwriting and turns it over and opens it. Inside is a gift card, its Burgundy in color with the words “Costa” on the front. “Babe I can’t take this, I haven’t got you anything and this is too much”. Vanessa puts her hand on Charities arm, tracing nondescript patterns on the small slither of skin. “This way we can still have our breakfast together and hopefully you won’t feel so on your own. Knowing that were still doing this… it beats any present”. 

A tear escapes and rolls down Charity’s cheek.Vanessa catches it with her thumb, she takes Charity’s face in both hands and looks at her. “ 2 weeks” Vanessa reminds her. “ 2 weeks” she whispers back. “And I promise I’ll be here the first morning I’m back.” Charity can hear the promise in her voice but she needs to hear it again because she doesn’t want to be alone again, forgotten like everyone else has in her life. “Promise?” “Promise” 

_________________________________________________________________________

Vanessa arrives home to the small semi detached house, the blue door is decorated with an over the top gold wreath and two small snowmen are positioned either side of the front door. Its 10 am and shes not quite ready for the interrogation from the people within. With a sigh, she pulls her yellow suitcase up the path and knocks before letting herself in. The place is exactly the same as it always has been. The cream carpet flows through every room of the house and there's a neat row of shoes next to the front door. The house is quiet. “Mum?” she calls out but there's no reply. She takes her shoes off and deposits them in the row, padding through the hall she arrives at the kitchen, on the fridge is note that Vanessa takes off more aggressively than she probably should have. “Gone to York for the day with your step-father! Sorry we weren't home to welcome you, you know where everything is. Mum”.” She screws up the paper and throws it into the far corner of the room. Being at home always does this to her, brings out aside in Vanessa that she wishes wasn't their. It makes her resentful. Resentful of her mother for pushing her so hard, for never being home exactly when she needed her, for her dad leaving, for her mum being a lot more interested in her step-dad Jeff than her. She sighs and slowly walks over to the crumpled item and places it into the bin with a clunk. 

She grabs her suitcase, dragging it up the stairs behind her and pushing open the door to her bedroom. Vanessa can feel the safety in this room. In this room she can be completely herself. Everything is exactly how she left it four months ago. Her books on the bedside table are waiting to be read, the desk in the corner is overflowing with notebooks and sticky notes stuck to every available space and her copy of the Secret Garden is still lying on her pillow form the last time she read it. She heaves the suitcase onto the bed and opens the wardrobe doors, on the inside on the left pane of glass in a small collection of pride flags and stickers. Her heart sinks low into her stomach. At university Vanessa was very much out and proud. She was part of the LGBT society and was known to frequent the gay bars of Leeds but this was one secret she could never tell her mother. The mother who made homophobic remarks about the lesbian couple at the end of the street, the mother who would surly disown her and the mere mention of her feelings. Her fingers trace over one sticker that reads “Love Is Love”, her mind wanders to Charity and how she is spending her first morning without her.

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Charity wakes in a panic; Her arms flailing above her head and a pain in her chest. She sits up and starts to breathe deeply. “It was just a dream, just a dream” she repeats over and over again in her head. The dream was a particularly bad one, visions of her dad had filtered into her mind, he was drunk and beating her, hitting her over and over again with his belt. This was a normal occurrence in Charity’s life her dad would drink until he had all but passed out and then he would begin his attack. He would start with a verbal assault. Blaming her for her mother leaving, accusing her of sleeping around, being a slut and a whore. Then the physical assault would start the punched and slaps would come thick and fast but then he would take off his belt, folding it in two and raining down blows on her body. Charity quickly shuts her eyes at the memory trying to rid her mind of the vivid images. As the memory starts to fade her eyes find the breakfast cart over the road, she follows the street down to the bridge, when it hits her, Vanessa isn't coming. And for the first time in the last four months she's not sure what to do with her morning. Usually she would wake up and try to make herself and her space look that little bit more presentable. She would walk over the road to the gay bar on the corner and knock on the back door, the cleaner would let her in so she could wash herself and change her clothes, help she was grateful for. Then she would sit in her doorway until Vanessa arrived. Once Vanessa had left her she would go into town, do a bit of shoplifting before making her way to the station to start her “shift”.

She considers getting breakfast but Vanessa has said she won't be eating until she gets home around one and she said she would wait so they knew they were eating together. She decides to go into town and find the shelter Vanessa had given her a name for. Although Charity didn't want a bed, she had never felt safe in them type of places, she could spend Christmas day their. A hot meal, games and the promise of a gift seems a good enough reason to go and Charity knew Vanessa would want her to be somewhere safe and surrounded by people on the most family orientated day of the year. She packs away her sleeping bag and the small bags of belongings into the corner of the doorway. She checks to make sure the gift card is tucked neatly into her pocket and her mind drifts to thoughts of Vanessa. 

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Once Vanessa had unpacked, she made her way into the kitchen, flicking the kettle on as she passes. The last few hours alone had been just what she needed. As well as unpacking she had a long bubble bath and a nap in her bed. Her eyes glance at the clock. Ten to one. She opens the fridge and rakes her eyes over the contents. Before selecting her ingredients and preparing her sandwich. She makes her tea in her favorite yellow mug and she sits at the kitchen table overlooking the garden. It's exactly one o’clock. She starts to think about what her and Charity would be talking about and having the imaginary conversations her mind. Her silence is suddenly interrupted by the arrival of her parents. “Vanessa?” her mother shouts from the doorway. Before she can even answer her mother is stood in the kitchen, her step dad trailing behind. “I thought you would be upstairs writing essays or reading or whatever it is you students do” she says barely looking in her direction. “ I've only just got here and I have two weeks to get everything done” Vanessa sighs as she takes a bite of her lunch. “You'll never get anywhere if you don't apply yourself Vanessa, I didn't give up my life for you to just sit here and so nothing with yours” That's all it takes for Vanessa to feel the anger wash over her, she stands up throwing the chair back under the table, picking up her plate and cup and stomping up the stairs, slamming her door for good measure. 

She sits cross legged on her bed, grabbing her note book from the table and starts to write a letter to Charity. The words flow onto the page, her anger and upset leaving her body. It feels like she's actually their with her, helping her through her feelings, helping her deal with the pressure she is going to have for the next two weeks. She lies back and looks at the ceiling 13 days, 13 days until she's back on their step and eating her breakfast with the girl who is stealing her heart. 

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
Charity goes to the shelter and all in all their not bad people. They offer her a space for Christmas day and she's suddenly feeling a little better about Vanessa being away. She wanders into the shopping center but she doesn't feel like shoplifting the words of Vanessa ringing in her ears: “Charity you don't have to do that, just tell me what you need and I can get you some”. 

She looks at the big clock in the center of the building. Ten to one. She locates the nearest Costa and as she's about to pull on the door her body freezes. She's never been in a place like this. She feels like everyone's eyes out on her, like she shouldn't be their. But the card in her pocket reminds her that Vanessa sees her as a person, a person who is worthy of visiting a place like this, a person who is worth so much more than the men who buy her. She walks in and the smell of coffee overloads her senses, the menu board is the biggest thing she has ever seen and she has no idea what to do. Charity joins the cue and listens to the orders of the people in front of her. She decides to order a Large mocha and a bacon barm. She finds a small table in the corner and settles down. It's one o’clock. She starts to think about Vanessa and what she's doing. Is she eating her lunch like she promised?. Is she reading the huge books she carries around in her backpack?.For Charity this is the first time in as long as she can remember she has sat down in a coffee shop type of place. It’s warm and theirs soft music playing and no one is staring at her. She sits back and looks over the other tables 13 days, 13 days until she's back on their step and eating her breakfast with the girl who is stealing her heart.


	6. Yeah You Bleed Just To Know Your Alive - Part 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the first part of a 2 part chapter!
> 
> Thank you so much for the positive feed back its much appreciated! The 2nd part will be out Wednesday.
> 
> Thank You To Alex For Everything 💛
> 
> Find Me On Twitter - @TootsDingle

The two week break was finally over and Vanessa had never felt so relieved. It had been tough on her mentally, the endless arguments with her mother and the fact her mind kept wandering to thoughts of a certain green eyed blonde. She sat on the train back to Leeds and as it pulled away from the platform at Pocklington, a small feeling of excitement fizzled through her veins. In just a little over an hour they would be reunited. Vanessa began to think about how quickly Charity had made her way into her life, the way every thought was followed by an image of the blonde and how everything she did was now done with her in mind. She had even changed her train back to the first one of the day and a whole twenty-four hours earlier to surprise Charity with breakfast.

She’s never been in love. Girls have come and gone. She’s been infatuated and obsessed with girls before. Shes kissed girls in long forgotton gay bars and shes taken plenty of girls back to her halls since starting univesity. But nothing has ever compared to the feeling she gets when she's with Charity. It feels safe, it's fun, she makes her laugh, her heart beats a bit faster and she can't deny that she's attracted to her physically. She thinks Charity feels the same. She seen her check her out when shes crossing the road to their step. She's seen the way her eyes rake over her body when she wears the blue shirt Charity mentioned she liked one time. Her thoughts are broken by the sudden jolt of the train coming to an abrupt stop. Welcome to Leeds is the first thing she sees and she's finally home. 

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Twenty four hours Charity thinks as she lies in her makeshift bed of cardboard and a sleeping bag. Christmas had been kind to her. Their had been an endless stream of men that she had made herself available to and from some of her encounters she had definitely come away worse for wear. But Christmas day had been everything she could have wished for. Her stomach had been full, the hall had been warm and the care package they had received had been bigger than usual. Throughout the two weeks her mind had frequently made its way back to thoughts of Vanessa. She had never missed anyone in her life, but she missed the short blonde so much it hurts .She never imagined her life could revolve around someone and their thoughts and feelings but Vanessa had become the centre of hers. 

She’s never been in love. Men and women have come and gone. She’s been infatuated and obsessed with both sexes before. Driven by money, greed and a chance to get off the streets. But nothing has ever compared to the feeling she gets when she's with Vanessa. It feels safe, it's fun, she makes her laugh,her heart beats a bit faster and she can't deny that she's attracted to her physically. She thinks Vanessa feels the same. She seen her face change from a frown to a smile just by the site of her. She notices the way Vanessa always wants to be touching her in someway, a hand on her knee or moving stray blonde curls out of her view. Always gentle and soft, never like the men who break her. Her thoughts are interrupted by the sharp pain in her side, the events of last night like a collage on her mind.  
\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
Vanessa snakes through the morning commuters, thankful for her small stature. It's just turned 7.00 am and she knows that Charity will be leaving her spot at 7.30 to get her breakfast just like they’d agreed. She makes it through the city in record time and spots the cream coat from the corner of the street. The hood is pulled over her eyes and the sleeping bag lays awkwardly around her frame. She's not quite sitting right either, she's slightly leaning sideways, her coat straining against her body. Vanessa senses there's something wrong and continues to rush forward. She slows down as she gets near her, not wanting to startle her. She crouches down on to the corner of the sleeping bag and watches as Charity retreats back into the safety of her cocoon. “Charity?” Vanessa whispers automatically reaching out to make contact with her knee but the mumbling from the blonde stops her “Please don't hurt me. Please. Please no more.”

“Charity, it’s me, it okay I’ve got you your safe”. Vanessa managers to stutter out. Charity eyes appear just below the hem of her hood, blue eyes meet her own and the overwhelming feeling of relief takes over her. She lowers the sleeping bag slightly and slowly removes her hood. She can’t help but see the look of horror that registers on Vanessa face. Vanessa words get stuck in her throat as she observes her face. There’s a deep cut on the bridge of Charity’s nose, the bone looks slightly out of place. Her right eye is swollen shut. The deep black of a bruise spreading towards her cheek. The cut on her lip has been reopened and joined by a similar one on her lower lip. There’s blood everywhere in her hair, down her coat and on her finger tips. Charity can’t take any more of the blondes study into her wounds and in barely a whisper says“ You came back early?”. Vanessa nods through glassy eyes “Yeah, to surprise you and it's a good job I did, Charity what happened?”. 

Charity doesn’t quite have the words to describe what happened last night, things are patchy and she doesn’t really want to relive any of it. She shrugs, reaching for the small blondes hand and playing with the ring on her left finger. Vanessa carefully hooks her finger under her chin, forcing Charity to look at her. “Your coming with me”. Charity takes a deep breath ready to argue, ready to try and push Vanessa away but Vanessa repeats herself firmly “Your coming with me”. 

She tries to detach herself from Charity’s grasp. But she won’t let go the fear of Vanessa leaving again is too much for her. Vanessa gives up the fight and starts to pack her few belongings into the old rucksack in the corner of the door way. She hasn't taken her eyes off the vet, looking for any signs of judgement or disgust but there is none, she just gets on with the task every now and then repositioning the hand in Charity’s own. She helps Charity to her feet, watching as her face contorts with pain. She lets go of her hand and quickly roles the sleeping bag up and immediately reclaims Charity’s hand. They start the short walk back to Vanessa’s room. Charity is unsteady, small moans of pain leave her mouth with every step and Vanessa fights back the tears that have resurfaced. She wants to kill whoever has done this to her girl and the anger is threatening to spill over.

They arrive at the block of flats, Vanessa is thankful that most of her cohort are still at home for the holidays. They take the stairs slowly up to the sixth floor and arrive at Vanessa’s room. Vanessa unlocks the door and leads the broken girl over to her bed. She untangles their hands and starts to busy herself getting the equipment she needs to start putting her back together. Charity takes a moment to observe her new surroundings. The small room is covered in fairy lights, with bright spots of yellow from the mugs in the small kitchenette to the bed sheet she finds herself on. The bathroom door is covered in pictures with the odd pride sticker thrown in. Its warm amd cosy and so typically Vanessa. 

Vanessa places a bowl in front of her and helps to remove her coat. She runs her hands through Charity's hair and puts it into a ponytail, revealing the scale of her injuries. She parts the blondes knees and kneels between them. “This is going to hurt but I promise I just want to make it better”. Charity’s eyes flicker over Vanessa features and she can see the concern in her eyes. She nods silently, as Vanessa dunks a cotton wool pad into the warm water and gently starts to clean the cut on her nose. The process is repeated over her eye and on her lips. She tries not to move, to keep the noises of pain at bay but every now and again she recoiles out of Vanessa’s touch. And everytime Vanessa smooths her thumb over her knee and she suddenly feels calm.

She watches Vanessa open a pack of butterfly stitches and carefully positions them on her face. A deep breathe leaves Vanessa’s lungs as she breaks the silence. “Charity, I need you to take your shirt off”. Charity pushes Vanessa slightly and makes her way to the door. She can’t let this girl see the scars of her past. The cigarette burns, the lashes of a belt the bruises left by her latest abuser. As she grabs the door handle she is stopped by a hand on her shoulder and words mumbled into the space between them “I promise I would never hurt you, I’m not them, Please just sit back down.”


	7. Yeah You Bleed Just To Know Your Alive - Part 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm So So Sorry For The Delay In This Chapter But Mental Health Is A D**K!
> 
> I'm Really Unsure About This Chapter But I Hope You All Enjoy It. Thank You For All The Kudos, Comments, Feedback And Well Wishes, I Don't Think I'd Have Got Through The Last Week With Out It. 
> 
> Find Me On Twitter - @TootsDingle

Charity hesitates for a moment before closing the door and making her way back to the bed. Vanessa flicks the switch on the kettle and uses the few minutes she has to think about how to re-approach the subject. “Why don’t I run you a bath?” Charity meets her eyes as she hands over a steaming mug of tea. “Yeah, that would be….. That would be great”. Vanessa smiles and Charity feels the blush rise in her cheeks. Vanessa pushes the door open to the bathroom and starts to run her bath. She puts her favorite bubble bath in with a plop and finds one of her big yellow fluffy towels. She peeks her head around the door. “ All done, use anything you need and take as long as you want”. Charity stands to her feet and shuffles over to the doorway and is taken aback by the sight. She knows it's not a big thing a bath full of water but this is the first time someone has ever done something just for her. She feels a lump in her throat and then the fear behind it. What if Vanessa leaves again? What if she throws her out tonight? What if this is all too much? Shes broken out of her thoughts by a hand tracing over her own. “ I’ll be just out here if you” “ Stay!” Charity interrupts. “ Please don't leave me” Vanessa moves the blondes swollen fingers to her lips “ How about you get in and I”ll get you a pair of pyjamas? And I can wash them clothes if you like?” Charity nods and steps into the bathroom, Vanessa closes the door, leaving a small crack between the door and its frame. Charity could see her working her way around the room giving her some much needed reassurance. 

Charity starts to undress and catches her reflection in the mirror. She hadn't realised how thin she was, her ribs, hips and collar bones all stick out in angular junctions beneath her skin. Skin which is every shade of black, blue and brown. The bruises make constellations across the pale backdrop. The places in which the skin has broken has made waterfalls of blood down her body, pooling at her feet. She takes a deep breath and tentatively steps into the water. As she lowers her body into the hot water she's growls with the pain as the water seeps into her broken skin. Vanessa hears the noise from the other women and knocks on the door. The sight that greets her will forever be etched in her memory. Charity is sat with her back against the porcelain bowl, her knees are against her chest and shes quietly crying into the crook of her arm. Vanessa moves quickly. She throws the PJs onto the radiator before kneeling next to the women. She places her fingertips on the back of her neck and scratches lightly. The sensation causes the shuddering blonde to raise her head gently. “It hurts Ness, please make it stop”. Vanessa rises to her feet and picks up the jug off of the shelf. She scoops up some water, she tilts Charity’s head back before pouring the water through her curls. Her eyes close as the warm water cascades down her back. There's a faint hint of coconut in the air. Before Charity can question why, she feels fingers lightly scratching her scalp and a cold liquid that she assumes is shampoo. The warm water floods down her back again. “Shall we get you out?” Vanessa questions holding the towel out. Charity looks down at her body. Vanessa's eyes tracking the same path downwards. “How about I close my eyes? Would that make this easier?”. Charity silently nods as she closes her eyes, she hears the water slosh and feels the body pull the towel around her. “Your pyjamas are on the radiator,the hair brush is in the cupboard.I’ll leave you to it.”

Vanessa rests her back against the wall, her head falling back and her eyes closed. It’s only 10 am and yet the day has already broken her. If this is how a couple of hours feels, the next few days were going to be difficult. Charity could tell her things that she could never imagine. She knows she has to be strong both physically and mentally for when Charity closes down and treats her like another person who has hurt her. She moves towards the small kitchenette and goes through the motions of making another cup of tea, she takes two paracetamol out of the cupboard and places them next to Charity’s mug. The small speaker crackles to life as soft melodies fill the small room. She dances along , moving towards the draw were she keeps her scruffs. An over sized hoodie and a pair of lounge pants would do. . She starts to undress the soft fabric of the pants a welcome relief from the rough material of her jeans. She turns her back on the bathroom door and as she takes her hoodie over her head Charity opens the door. The sight she is greeted with makes the air catch in her lungs. The skin on the smaller blondes back is unblemished but for the small indentations of her bra straps. Charity’s eyes track there way down her spine and over the pant covered legs. The grey pants clinging to all the right places, the hoodie baggy over her toned frame. 

Vanessa turns finding Charity in a world of her own. “How are you feeling?” she asks, taking the towel out of Charity’s grasp. “ Better….. Everything sort of aches though.” Charity can’t meet the smaller women's eye, the blush in her cheeks to evident. “Good job I'm prepared then, I've made us another brew and there's two paracetamol their.” Charity steps forward and takes the steaming mug in between her hands, she pops the tablets into her mouth and swallows. She's not sure what to do next. She leans against the worktop watching as Vanessa throws her clothes into the washing machine. She comes to stand next to Charity examining the frown lines that have appeared on her forehead. She takes her hand in own rubbing a thumb over swollen knuckles. “What do we do now Ness?” Charity sighs, tiredness taking over her limbs. “Well I was thinking we could maybe get you into bed, watch really bad day time telly and we could order some food later on?”. Charity likes the idea of a day without worry, without having to think about were her next meal will come from or how she will keep warm on the cold January nights. But then fear starts to drown out the perfect picture Vanessa has created. Will she be expected to do something in return for everything Vanessa is doing for her? What if she hurts her?. In the midst of her thoughts she hadn't noticed that Vanessa had dragged her over to the large double bed in the corner of the room. She places her mug on the bed side table and pushes back the quilt motioning for Charity to get in. She heaves her broken body to the far side of the bed, sinking down into its softness. Vanessa joins her, switching on the television, dragging the quilt over both bodies and facing Charity. 

Charity stops breathing as Vanessa places her hand on her cheek, her thumb brushing over the bruising lightly. “You can tell me whenever your ready what happened when I was away and if you never are then that's fine, just please don't ever say your okay when your not”. A tear falls from Charity’s eye “I’m not okay, it hurts and I’m scared and I don't want to do this anymore” The tears form a steady stream down Charity’s face, the saltiness stinging the open sores on her face. Vanessa takes her in the crook of her neck, the blondes broken body curling around her own. She tentatively places her hand on Charity’s hip and watches as she jumps at the contact. She rubs small circles above the bone, noticing what little skin is actually there to protect it. The other hand runs through the thick curls and down to the base of her neck. She whispers into Charity’s ear a million reassurances that she’s got her, that she’s safe and that she never has to go back there. Slowly the shuddering comes to a stop and the heaving of her chest slows, Vanessa glances down and the blonde is asleep her fists filled with the material of her yellow hoodie. She places a small kiss to the top of her head and closes her eyes. The morning events taking it toll on both of them. Starting to put Charity back together can wait until they wake.


	8. The Moment Of Truth In Your Lies

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank You So Much For All The Feedback, Comments, Kudos and Twitter Love! It Really Helps With The Motivation To Write. 
> 
> This Chapter Is Heavily Based On The Episode From 15/04/2018. Also Known As The Episode Were Charity Tells Vanessa About The Abuse. There Is A Lot Of Dialogue, I Have Used From The Show And I've Changed Bit Around. So Sorry If It Not Your Thing. 
> 
> As Ever Please Keep Giving Me Any Type Of Feedback,Comments or Kudos! And You Can Find Me On Twitter - @TootsDingle

Charity wakes with a jump, she doesn’t recognize the room or the arm slung lightly across her midriff. Her breathe comes in staggered, short bursts. She starts to fight against the body leaning against her back. She pushes the arm roughly away and balls her fists. She starts to kick and punch wildly not really caring were or who she hits. Vanessa wakes and lightly grabs the blondes wrist “Charity it's okay, your safe, its okay”. Her eyes our wide and there's nothing but fear behind them. Charity stops and she suddenly remembers. She’s with Vanessa, in her room, in her bed and she’s safe. She tries to regulate her breathing taking long deep breaths. But she can’t calm herself, she starts to grab at Vanessa’s hoodie, needing to ground herself. Vanessa takes the shaking hand and leads it up into her hoodie, placing it against bare skin just above her heart. She places her own hand on Charity’s chest, on top of the soft white cotton mirroring the pose. 

“Charity I need you to breathe with me, In, Out,In, Out, just like that” Charity can feel the rhythm of breathing under her finger tips and falls into sync with Vanessa. “ Now I want you to name five things you can hear”. Charity tries to concentrate on the room around her, the breathing temporarily being forgotten. “Cars, the radio,birds, the tap and you”. Vanessa chuckles and continues “Well done, how about five things you can see?” The shaking blonde finally looks up, the fear from before dulling in her eyes. “Books, laptop, kettle, lights and lots and lots of yellow” She says smirking, Vanessa shakes her head, taking Charity's free hand in her own and drawing pattern onto the palm. 

“How we feeling?” “ I’m okay, I’m sorry I just freaked myself out”. Vanessa starts to remove her hand from the other women's chest “Please Ness I’m not quite ready yet”. 

Charity is enjoying the feel of soft,warm skin beneath her fingers and the rhythmic beating of the smaller blondes heart. As her breathing returned to normal she withdrew the hand from the safety of the hoodie, noticing Vanessa sigh as contact was lost. Vanessa grabs hold of the free hand lightly and bring the palm up to her mouth, ghosting a kiss on the bruised skin. “You put the kettle on and I’ll grab the laptop and we”ll order some food, then maybe we can talk about what happened?”. Charity doesn't answer as she lifts herself off of the bed. The bile starts to rise in the back of her throat at the thought of talking so openly about what has happened. She wasn't much of a talker, in fact it was easier to lock all the memories away deep within her mind and leave it their untouched. She would try but only because of the perfect woman beside her, the woman she knew could turn her back on her the minute she learned about the real Charity Dingle. 

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They sit with their backs against the headboard, pizza boxes litter the floor and a pot of tea is steaming on the small bedside table. The day has passed and the darkness has taken over the city, lights twinkle in the windows reflection and Vanessa's room is bathed in a soft golden glow provided by the fairy lights. It feels homely and safe and for the first time in days he stomach is full. Charity wishes she could have this exact moment for life, this exact moment of feeling happy. But she knows what's coming the inevitable chat and she feels sick. Vanessa moves to sit in front of Charity. Legs crossed in front of her. Her hand toying with the bandage of Charity’s fingers. 

“What scared you this morning when you woke up?” Vanessa probes quietly, searching Charity’s face for clues on how the question has been received. 

Charity takes a minute to breathe, contemplating her answer. “ I was fourteen when I started, you no, selling myself. You learn to always be on your guard, never to trust anyone because they only ever want one thing. Because of it you don’t really sleep. Last night was the first time I’d actually slept in years, forgot where I was, who I was with. I’m sorry if I hurt you”. She doesn't look up, she cant see the pity in Vanessa's eyes, so she stares at a spot on the bed sheet. 

“You were fourteen?” 

“After my dad kicked me out yeah. Me dad was older, strict, cared what the neighbors thought. He was a drunk and we lived in a tip but he was proud. I got pregnant by a lad the family knew, Cain. He hated me for that called me every name under the sun when I told him. When I went into labor he left me at the hospital and took himself off down the pub. I gave birth on my own”. Charity lifts herself off of the bed to stand, she misses the contact of Vanessa hand in her own but she can’t bare the feel of Vanessa's eyes studying her, seeing right through the protective walls she has built around herself. 

“Then we went to pats house old friend of the family, didn't explain why til we got there. She took the baby, Debbie, off me and that was it. I didn't argue. Pat was kind and I hold onto that. But ive always had this bit missing and that bit has been filled with anger since. For Cain for not coming to get me and me dad. Dad couldn't stand it so he told me to get out”. 

“Where did you go?” Vanessa asks choking back the tears that were threatening to fall. She reaches for Charity’s hand and as she does Charity pulls away, walking around the room. 

“Us Dingles are big family so I worked my way around the lot, until they all got sick of me for pushing them too far. I had my fourteenth birthday in a hostel in Bradford and when I ran out of money, I was on the streets. I have no idea how I was gonna survive. Until I met some other girls who were doing it. We looked out for each other, they taught me everything. The first time I did it I was given a bit of food, I was cold and hungry and I hadn't eaten in days. It didn't feel good but I thought it would be easy and it won't be forever, how wrong was I?”.

Vanessa watches silently as Charity wanders around the small space. She leans against every available surface only stopping to wipe the tears that are freely flowing down her battered face. Vanessa want to engulf her in her arms and kill any man who has harmed her. But she knows if she stops Charity from talking, that's it, game over. She wont open up like this again, afraid of being hurt. So she watches and waits for any sign that Charity might hurt herself or leave or break so that she can pick her back up. 

“The first time I got picked up for soliciting a new, young copper cautioned me. Mark Bails was his name. Sorted me a new coat. Made sure they gave me something to eat before they let me go. I knew he would look after me so I’d wish it was him when I saw a police car. He found me one night off duty. Paid just to talk. Said he had this flat I could stay in, that I’d get back on my feet, go back to school. All sorts of empty promises. And I was desperate but I was so young and stupid I thought he would help me, that he loved me, that he actually care for me. First night there he raped me.”

Vanessa places her hand over her mouth to muffle the sob that escapes her lips. 

“He raped me” Charity whispers. “But I thought I was lucky because their was heating, food in the fridge and a telly. So I told myself it was worth it and I told myself I wasn't worth any better. He stopped letting me out after a while, took my keys, got violent when I wouldn't do as he said. He’d bring his mates back and they'd pay to rape me as well. It was relentless. The last time he hit me I thought no more. So I pretended to pass out. When he went to the bog I lifted his keys and drove his own police car to the station and told then they beat me. It turns out they don't take you seriously when your a car stealing teenage prostitute.”

Charity comes to rest on the edge of the bed,picking at the nail bed. “It was abuse Charity, He groomed you”. Vanessa whispers, shuffling to be nearer to the hunched up body. 

“I guess they must have investigated him, probably brushed it under the carpet and moved him on because I never saw him again until the night before you came back.” 

Charity turns and looks at Vanessa, the tears pool in her eyes and the tears that have already fallen have left red track marks down the delicate skin. She threads her fingers through Vanessa's playing with the ring on her left finger.

“I was outside the station, it was freezing so I thought if I just do one job I can keep warm for a bit. I didn't recognize him at first. He had his hood up and a scarf around his mouth. He asked me how much and then took me to a bedsit round the corner. It was only when he took it all off I realized. I tried to fight him to get out but he threw me onto the bed. He punched me over and over again. And I couldn't….. I couldn't see straight. He was shouting about how Id ruined his life and that he was gonna kill me and for the first time I believed him. Then. Then he raped me for what felt like hours just over and over and over again. When he finished he dragged me to the floor. And kicked me like a football. I must have passed out because when I woke up I was in an ally by the station. I dragged myself home, I've never felt pain like it. And the only reason I think I'm still here is because all I thought about was you and that you'd come home and make everything better and I wouldn't be on my own anymore”.

Vanessa shifts to kneel in front of Charity grabbing both cheeks and swiping at the tears that fall. She looks into the green eyes and realizes that she loves Charity and that she is going to do everything she can to keep her safe. She forces Charity to keep looking at her.

“Your incredible, I knew you had been through some stuff but I had no idea how bad it was. Your so strong”.

“Plenty have had it way worse than me. Please stop Ness.”

“Why?” Vanessa asks confused

“Because it was what it was. I will never be his victim Ness”. 

“No you won’t because your amazing, and wonderful and you”.

“I”m Not! Look this is where you save yourself and swerve a load of trouble and call it quits believe me you should take the shortcut, everybody does in the end anyway and I can't promise that I won't hurt you eventually” Charity tries to push Vanessa back gently, but Vanessa doesn't move instead she tightens her grip on Charity’s face ever so slightly.

“You think you can just tell me something like this and I”ll go? I”m going nowhere and neither are you.” Charity shakes her head slightly. “Charity you can let go, it’s alright, I've got you, its okay, I've got you, I've got you.” Vanessa whispers. 

That’s all it takes for Charity’s defenses to fall. She surges forward and gently ghosts Vanessa’s lips with her own. Vanessa can taste the saltiness of the tears against her lips. Charity dares to press further opening her mouth slightly and when Vanessa does the same, she clings on to the smaller women, tears falling freely. After a few moments she pulls away, she sees the confusion in Charity’s face. Vanessa stands and takes Charity's arms placing them around her waist. She places soft kisses to the top of blonde curls and whispers into them. “ I”ve got you, Its okay, I've got you”.


	9. I'd Give Up Forever To Touch You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The First Time
> 
> Slight Trigger Warning For Self Harm And Abuse

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm So Sorry This Has Taken So Long To Update But Where Back!
> 
> Thank You For All The Feed Back, Comments and Kudos, It Means Everything!
> 
> Slight Trigger Warning For Self Harm And Abuse So If You Struggling Best Leave This One! Sorry! 
> 
> Check Out My Other Fic; " My Son, My Stars, The Moon Of My Life

Vanessa retrieves a small pack of tissues from the pocket of her backpack and hands one to Charity. Her lip still trembling and the tears staining her face red. She’s held her for what seems like hours, the broken blonde’s body shaking, her hands grabbing at Vanessa begging her to take the pain from the last few days away. 

“So what do we do now? About Bails?” Vanessa questions scraping lightly at the nape of Charity’s neck.

“Nothing” 

“Well we can’t…” She can hear the exasperated tone in her own voice, Tinged with shock at Charity’s words.

“We”

“You” 

“I can do whatever I want” Charity fires back, the defences already building the safety around her. She knew this would happen. She spills her deepest, darkest secret and Vanessa is trying to control her just like everyone else. 

“He dangerous, you said it yourself. He's still out there picking up vulnerable women, probably still in the force abusing the women he's supposed to protect. Charity we have to do something” Her voice rising with anger, she breathes deeply, moving to the small couch on the other side of the room. 

“He’s a cop, they look after each other” Charity reasons, catching her eye.

“They'll have to investigate properly this time”

“There’s no evidence” and the tears start again, burning the skin below. 

“Well they'll be records and the flat was probably rented in his name and you must have made a statement” 

“That got filed in the shredder”

“You don’t know that…”

“I only told them he beat me up and even if they do find it it’s no good!” She whispers. She brings her knees up to her chest protecting herself against Vanessa’s good intentions. 

“Well getting him for assault seems pretty good to me,” She snarls, the anger of what has happened to Charity bubbling beneath her skin. 

“This isn’t why I told you”  
“I know, I’m sorry” Vanessa moves back to the edge of the bed, she places her hand on her knee and watches as she flinches away from the touch. 

“Nobody cared then and they won’t now” She sobs, grabbing the blonde’s hand. 

“The world is a different place now, so is the police force. They take these things really seriously and with what he did the other night. They’ll be other girls, if he did it to you he must have done it to others”

“I’m not going there Ness and I mean it” 

Vanessa takes that as her que not to push. Just as quick as Charity’s defences had dropped, she built them back up again. Cocooning herself behind her knees and scared of the soft touches that over the last few days had comforted her. After a few minutes of silence, Vanessa takes both of Charity’s hands in her own, forcing the blonde to drop her knees and look at her. 

“Okay, I’m sorry. I’m sorry for getting angry and trying to force you into something you don't want to do. I just can't stand the thought of that man, any man, touching you were its not wanted.” A single tear escapes Charity, the shorter blonde catching it with her lips before it can mark the skin. 

“Tell me what you need”

Charity takes Vanessa’s hand and places it just below the hem of her t-shirt. She leans slightly forward and ghosts her lips against hers. 

“I need you to take me Ness. I can still feel his mouth, his hands all over me and I need you to take that away, Please Ness, Please” 

Vanessa rubs a thumb over the smooth skin of her stomach and kisses Charity back gently. She runs her tongue over her lower lip and is immediately granted entrance. The battle for dominance is like a dance, both women retreating and advancing on each other lips and tongues but eventually Vanessa lets the older blonde win. Letting Charity set the pace of her own therapy. She only breaks the kiss when her heart is hammering in her chest and she’s struggling to breathe. She takes the bruised skin of her chin in between her thumb and forefinger and whispers. 

“If you want me to stop or I’m doing something you don’t like then please tell me okay?”

Charity silently nods as Vanessa brings her hand up to her mouth and kisses each finger, a kiss is placed on the palm of her hand and on her wrist. And Charity is mesmerized by the action. She moves on to her face kissing the cut above her eye brow and the black bruise beneath it. She kisses both cheeks and barely kisses the cut on both lips. She takes both of Charity’s hand placing them her hips. She bunches up the material and gives Charity the soft yellow fabric. She looks up and sees the confusion in her eyes. She slowly moves the blonde’s hands up as more and more of her skin is exposed. Charity rakes her eyes up the blonde’s body as she follows the path of the jumper. She takes in the toned abs and the curve of her breast in her bra. She doesn't even notice that the garment is completely off and Vanessa is sat there just studying her. 

She tentatively reaches out with shaking hands, making contact with warm skin. They both sigh as cold skin meets warmth. This is all Charity needs to surge forward and thoroughly kiss the small blonde. Her hands are everywhere. Over her back, down her sides and over her bra. Her lips bruising and teeth nipping at the delicate skin. Vanessa moans into her mouth. It dawns on her that Vanessa will want to undress her and if she does, there's no going back from what she will see. The panic rises in her chest as she moves back towards the head board. 

“Charity! Charity it's okay, we can stop, its okay” Vanessa soothes creeping up towards her and placing her hand above her heart. 

“I don’t want to its just, it's just” She concentrates on the rhythmic thump beneath her palm and her breathing slows. “You’re going to see everything and once you see it there’s no going back and I like you a lot and this will change everything”. 

Vanessa covers the hand on her chest in her own and squeeze’s lightly.

“Show me?” Charity’s head snaps up expecting to see the taunt is her features. But all she sees is care and the lust in her eyes. 

“Show me” Vanessa whispers again with more determination. 

Charity removes the hand from the warm skin and kisses the blonde lightly. She positions Vanessa at the foot of the bed, her legs slightly parted as Charity stands in the now vacant space. She closes her eyes as bandaged hands drag the t-shirt above her head. She doesn't miss the gasp that leaves Vanessa as she takes in the scars that litter her body. 

“Can I touch you?” Charity nods slightly as she focuses on small hole in the wall behind her head. Tears running down her face at being asked permission to be touched. It not being assumes that this is what she wants even though she’s partially undressed. 

Vanessa gently takes her finger over the various scars in different stages of healing. She studies those thoroughly making observations in her head. There’s cuts and bruises of all shades of black and blue from the last couple of days and she feels the way Charity’s body reacts when she hits a sore spot. Her body recoiling back slightly as her thumbs soothe the skin on her hips. Underneath the bruising are old scars of all shapes and sizes. There's a small round like holes, definite cigarette burns she thinks. In between there’s huge welts, made by a belt or a chain. She can see the small sliver of silver against the harsh red and brown of the rest of them. The places where Charity has harmed herself to try and get rid of the pain. 

Vanessa whispers for Charity to turn around but nothing can prepare her for what she sees. Her back is so much worse. The small welts from her front doubled in size across the pale skin. In some places the tissue is deep, probably caused by hour after hour of a belt hitting her in the same place. She stands, her body flush with Charity’s. She kisses her neck, whispering soft promises and truths that she so desperately needs to hear. I’ve got you, you’re beautiful, you’re safe, this doesn't change anything, and I really like you to. 

Charity moans as Vanessa hits a spot just below her ear. Vanessa turns the blonde in her arms to face her and drops her head kissing the scars that litter her chest. She can feel Charity’s breathing increase under her lips as she swipes a tongue over one of the scars. She takes a hardened nipple in her mouth, rolling her tongue along it and sucking gently. Charity’s hands are in her hair, scraping harshly at her scalp, this only spurs her on more. Charity find’s one of Vanessa’s nipples and squeezes gently causing the blonde to moan deep in her throat. 

Vanessa lets go of the nipple with a pop and kneels. Kissing the scars on her stomach. 

“Ness please I need to feel you” Charity moans, desperate to feel the wetness between her legs. 

Vanessa takes her PJ pants off slowly revealing a small patch of hair just above her clit. She watches as green eyes darken to almost black. Charity instinctively pulls of her own pants to reveal her own patch of hair. Watching as blue eyes turn grey. Vanessa grabs Charity’s left hand guiding her towards the top of the bed, she arranges the pillows against the headboard and guides Charity into the centre. She straddles her thighs, careful not to rest her whole weight against the black skin. She brushes blonde curls behind the other girl’s ears and kisses her. Her body grinding down at its own will.

Charity can feel the wetness on her thigh and encourages her to grind harder. It hurts but it feels so good to know that this is what they both want. There’s been no force, no fear just care and love. She lets one of Vanessa’s thighs fall in between her own and watches her eyes roll back as Charity grinds herself onto it, leaving a patch of wetness.

“Ness I need you to touch me. Please I can’t” Vanessa trail’s her hand in between their bodies, stopping to pinch a nipple before she finds the hardened nub of her clit. There’s barely any friction as she rubs her fingers in circles. Charity moans and whimpers as she feels her orgasm already approaching. Vanessa is grinding harder into her thigh, her head thrown back. The combination is like fire to Charity’s scenes as she dares to dip a finger into Vanessa's heat. The moan takes them both by surprise, Charity hitches her knee slightly under her hand Vanessa rides it. 

“Charity. Inside. Please”.

Charity repositions her fingers and slips two fingers easily inside of Vanessa’s tight space. 

“Fuck Yes”  
“Ness.Inside.Now” Charity no’s she close, can feel Vanessa start to contract around her fingers. She's feel Vanessa enter her slowly. Fingers still. Meeting Charity’s gaze, she nods up at the smaller women. Both hands start to work in tandem. Sweat pouring down their backs as they work to bring each other to orgasm. 

“I’m so close” Vanessa breathes, eyes clamped shut as pre orgasmic tremors take over her body. 

“Me to. Ness I want you to come with me now” That’s all it takes for both women to reach their peak. Their bodies convulse together, Charity biting down on the taut skin of Vanessa stomach. Their hands slow, working each other through there orgasm. As the sensation dies down, they withdraw their fingers collapsing back onto the bed. 

“Thank you, for not being scared and making me forget, even if it was for a moment” Charity murmurs running her fingers over Vanessa stomach. 

“You beautiful Charity and I’ll keep on helping you forget. Whatever, whenever you need”

“I do really, really like you Ness”

“And I really, really like you too” She replies kissing Charity softly. 

She invites Charity into her arms, the blonde playing with the skin just below her hip. Vanessa draws patterns over the scars on her back. Both falling asleep, in the safety of their bed, their friendship changed forever, in the best possible way.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For More Vanity Musings And The Vanity Advent Calendar Fine Me On Twitter - @TootsDingle


	10. Sooner Or Later It's Over - Part 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Vanessa Asks Charity On Their First Date

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another Two Part Chapter! I Think This Fic Might Make It To Twelve Chapters So Only Two Chapters Left. 
> 
> As Ever Thank You For All The Comments, Kudos And Shares It Means The World.

Vanessa hears the faint buzz of her alarm as she wakes. She retrieves the phone from the bedside table hitting snooze and turning towards blonde curls. The last week had been an emotional overload on her senses. Charity was opening up more and more. Each tale more harrowing than the last. She would sit against the headboard, her hands in Vanessa’s as she spoke, tears would follow, swiftly replaced by two bodies becoming one as they erased the touches of the men who had hurt her. 

Last night had been one of the most harrowing tales. Charity's first time. She had paced up and down the room as she spoke. The memories flashing back like a silent film. She was fourteen. It was eight months after she had given birth to Debbie. She had been on the street for a week. Hungry, confused, alone. He walked her down some ally way, an into an old garage. She couldn't remember where. He wasn't gentle and he wasn't careful. She meant nothing to him. She got abit food from her abuser, she was hungry, hadn’t eaten. Vanessa had remained silent, watching as Charity worked through the motions. As she snapped out of her trance and their eyes met Vanessa whispered. 

“Come here” 

Vanessa knew that getting up in the morning would be a challenge. The first day of term loomed but Charity needed the release. To erase yet another abuser from her body. It was slow and gentle. Both women taking time to learn even more about the others body. Once stated they had fallen asleep, a tangle of limbs and blonde curls, quite promises whispered into the night. 

She kisses Charity’s bare shoulder and watches the smile creep onto her lips. She starts to stair, rolling over into the crook of Vanessa’s arm, smoothing at thumb over her rib cage. 

“Morning sleepy head” Vanessa chuckles, moving a stray blonde curl. 

“Times It?”

“7. Remember I have classes today” Charity’s hand stills. Of course she remembered but she prayed this day would never come. Yes, it was only for a few hours but this was the first time she would be alone in two weeks and somewhere in the back of her mind a taunting voice convinced her Vanessa wouldn't come back. 

On feeling the tension in Charity’s body, Vanessa turns to become eye level with green eyes, she kisses her cold nose, swiping a thumb over her bandaged hand.

“It’s only for a few hours and when I get back, why don’t we go out for a while. Maybe the cinema and some food? It’s about time we got out this box”. She coaxes softly. 

“Like, Like a date?” The hope in Charity’s voice is tangible as she looks up at Vanessa. 

“Exactly like a date”

The smile that she receives could light up the night sky as she leans forward and kisses Vanessa’s. 

“But Ness, I. I have no money and you shouldn't have to pay for everything”

Charity is silenced by a finger pressed against her lips. 

“I want to take you out. To hold your hand just because I can and show the world that your mine. I’m off Wednesday. We can go down the job centre and get you sorted okay? Then you can take me out”

Charity nods as Vanessa leaves the bed. Tucking her back in as she goes. Her naked form looks like heaven in the sunlight streaking through the curtains. She blows a kiss in the direction of the bed as she shuts the bathroom door and Charity catches it. Placing the kiss across her heart. 

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
It takes an hour for Vanessa to get ready for her day. Her usual timetable interrupted by the odd kiss and cuddle from Charity as she made breakfast in one of Vanessa’s old bed shirts. 

“You know where everything is, help yourself to anything. I”ll be back around lunch time. Just make sure your ready for then. I’m sure you’ll find something to wear in one of my draws” She says as she fights to fasten her boots. She throws on her yellow coat and matching scarf, bending down to press her lips against Charity’s. As she stands, there's a knock on the door. 

“It’s just Rhona, I”ll see you later”

“Bye sunshine” And with that she’s gone. 

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
“Who was that?” Rhona questions as they start the familiar route back to Uni.  
“Remember the girl I was sat with when we handed out the care packages?” 

“Yeah. You looked like you knew each other but what’s that got to do with anything?” 

Vanessa takes a deep breath waiting for the inevitable onslaught of shock from her best friend. 

“Well we sort of did know each other”

Rhona looks at her puzzled as they stop at the breakfast cart. She can’t help but smile at how different things are now. 

“You see that door way over there, well that's where Charity lived and every morning I would buy her breakfast from this very cart. Before that night we hadn't said a word, just exchanged smiles. Anyway after that night I started sitting with her, to have my breakfast and I started to fall for her.”

“Like in love?” Rhona shouts as they continue their walk.

“Yeah I think we both felt it. Anyway, when I came back after the break, she was in such a bad way. A guy she knew from years back hurt her. There was blood everywhere so I took her back to my flat and we’ve sort of been their ever since”. 

She looks a Rhona and can see the disapproving look on her face as she breathes out heavily. 

“Did she work on the streets” Vanessa nods, not trusting herself to speak. 

“Ness you know if the Uni finds out she's there they could throw you out and then where would you go?”

“Let's be honest, no one no whos supposed to be their and whos not and I’ve had a look into it and Charity, technically, could get housing through the council. She’d be a priority because of everything that’s happened. Yeah, it could take a while but if she gets somewhere then I’m planning on going with her.” She says, thanking the heavens that she had answers for her inquisitive friend. 

“Ness, what if she’s trouble? What if you mess up because your too busy looking out for her?”

Vanessa feels her jaw tense and her fists ball in her pockets. 

“Maybe that's what I like about her, She’s fun, it's fun. She makes me laugh, I’m happier since she’s been here, my heart it beats a bit faster. And when you know the things I know. She just wants to be happy and settled and loved” 

Rhona nods. Vanessa smiles as her mind thinks of Charity and she can see her friend has been convinced. She squeezes the brunettes arm as they enter the building as they discuss what she should wear on their date.

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
Charity looks at the door as she realises that Vanessa has actually gone. She looks around the room and is stunned by the silence. She slides her feet into Vanessa slippers as she pads across the room to the radio. Flicking the switch she waits as it buzzes into life, the soft melodies filling the silence. She makes a brew as she ponders what to do next. 

She makes her way into the bathroom. Leaning her tea against the side of the bath, she turns the tap on and retrieves a bath bomb out of the cupboard. She throws it in with a plop as the water turns into a kaleidoscope of colour. She mulls over the bandages on her hands. The blood is still seeping through in places but it's been a week and he's desperate to get them off. She unravels them carefully, taking in the colours that she finds. Deep yellows and browns are joined by the blood red of the grazes on each knuckle. She dips them into the bath water and hisses at the sting that greets her. She shuts off the water and lowers herself into the magical liquid her eyes closed. 

The water turns cold and after what seems like hours Charity emerges. She wraps a towel around her body and dries the mass of wet curls. She glances at the clock 10:30. Time seems to have gone quickly, although the niggling feeling of fear keeps rearing its head in the back of her mind. She rifles through the draws for something to wear. She finds a red flannel shirt and black skinny jeans with a rip in the knee. She open the wardrobe and finds a black denim jacket and black converse. She lays them on the bed. “Perfect”. She thinks as she sips yet another cup of tea. 

She runs another bath this time for Vanessa. She finds candles underneath the sink and places them around the bath and the bedroom. Shutting the curtains so the room is bathed in an off white glow. She tidies up the pizza boxes and cups of the last week and changes the bed. She finds two bottles of beer in the fridge, she places to glasses next to them to cool. A pre-drink before there date. 

After a route around the bedroom she finds Vanessa’s make up bag. She sits cross legged in front of the mirror as she applies eyeliner. She attempts to cover the bruises on her face but to avail. The only thing that concealer seems to have done is make them look less violent, but the shape can still be seen. She applies red lipstick around the butterfly stitches and she’s done. She looks at her reflection and hate is screaming back at her. Her broken face looks murky underneath the makeup making it look darker than she intended. Her bones jut out from underneath the shirt that clings to her body like a stocking. The only good thing she can see is her hair. The unruly curls cascading down her back and shoulders covering marks on her neck.  
She stands and starts unbuttoning the shirt. The pain in her hands making the task seem impossible. She doesn't hear the door open, nor does she see the pair of eyes rake up her body. 

“Wow” Vanessa breathes loudly. The sight before her burning into her memory. 

Charity spins round at the noise. Her face breaking into a smile at Vanessa’s return. 

“Hey, How was your day? I’ve ran you bath and I’ll get you a bottle of beer out of the fridge. I’m pretty much ready when you are.” 

Vanessa throws herself at Charity. Her face buried into her neck. She feels a light kiss on her forehead and leanes back to look into emerald eyes. 

“I hope you weren’t taking this off?” She questions, fastening the top two buttons. 

“Had a slight wobble but I’m guessing you like it” Charity smirks. 

“I more than like it” Vanessa winks. 

“Charity this is amazing! Thank you. Give me twenty minutes and I’m all yours” 

Vanessa practically skips into the bathroom, throwing her clothes off and sinking into the water. She lies back against the tub a small knock bringing her back to her senses. She cracks open one eye and sees Charity deposit her beer onto the side. 

“Can you do me favour. Can you get the other pair of black jeans out the draw? There’s also a white t-shirt with a pink blazer over it in the wardrobe and some knew underwear would be great”

“Anything else your majesty?” Charity chuckles as she picks up the discarded clothes. 

“Can you leave them boots and bring my makeup bag to?”

Vanessa can hear Charity chuckle as she makes her way around the room. She drops the items onto the toilet seat. 

“I’ll be ten minutes” 

She hears the door click and quickly springs into action. She dries herself quickly and thrown on her chosen outfit. She brushes her hair into a high ponytail and sprays perfume on to her neck and wrists. She quickly applies makeup, soft and understated. She blows out the candles before shouting through the door. 

“I’m ready”

Charity looks up from the cross word she’s been doing and her breath sticks in her throat. 

“Wow” She manages, her mouth dry. 

“Right let's go”

She picks up her bag from the chair and grabs Charity’s hand kissing her as she pulls her up. The door shuts with a click. Vanessa reachers out and her fingers entwine with Charity’s. She pulls her towards the stairs. This is it. Their first date.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For More Vanity Musings And The Vanity Advent Calender Find Me On Twitter - @TootsDingle


	11. Sooner Or Later Its Over - Part 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I Love You. I Really Really Stupidly And Completely Love You"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This Is The Last Chapter Update Of 2019! So Thank You For All The Support This Year!
> 
> Find Me On Twitter - @TootsDingle

The second Charity leaves the safety of the building, she feels like all eyes are on her. She knows the bruises are still evident, knows that the clothes on her body don’t quite fit the way they intended. People like her don’t go on dates. They are used and abused. Thrown away and forgotten. Through all the internal struggle she notices the small looks Vanessa throws her way. A smile ghosting her lips and her eyes raking her body. She can’t quell the feeling of smugness that enters her veins. Vanessa looks beautiful and the mid-day sun catches the blonde tones in her hair making the illusion of a golden halo. Her eyes are the same blue as the sky and she could lose herself in them for days. Pushing any doubts to the back of her mind she pulls Vanessa to a stop, dipping low so that their lips can meet. 

“What was that for?” Vanessa smiles as they restart their journey. 

“Do I need a reason to kiss my girlfriend?”

She doesn't know where the word came from or why she’s said it but it's out in the world now and she can't take it back. She tries to focus on anything other than Vanessa. The bile in the back of her throat, burning. The silence seems like hours rather than seconds. 

“Girlfriend?” 

Charity chances a look at her face and what she sees isn't what she expected. She’s smirking lightly, an eyebrow raised. 

“Go on head for the hills” Charity chuckles. Trying to dampen the tension in the air. 

“I’m going nowhere and neither are you. Come here” 

They’ve only walked about 100m and there suddenly kissing again. Vanessa reaches up on her top toes and lightly traces her tongue against Charities lower lip. She immediately grants the vet entrance, moaning into the kiss. They only break apart when the urge to breathe takes over. They rest their foreheads together, noses bumping. 

They continue their stroll up to the shopping center. They pass Charity’s doorway and Vanessa feels the grip on her hand tighten, steps becoming faster. She brushes her thumb on the palm of the hand, looking up to see the tears forming in the corners of her eyes. There’s someone else there now. Charity knows she can never go back there now, if Vanessa decides to leave. 

“Charity it’s over. You never have to go back” 

Charity nods silently, her pace slowing. 

“It’s over” She repeats, barely a whisper.

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
They stand outside of the cinema, browsing the boards outside. Charity is taken aback by how old fashioned the cinema looks compared to the shopping center. The words Cinema and Pizza are lit up like the front of a west end show. The film titles spelled out in small white letters, jagged and wonky. She let’s Vanessa pick the film. The blonde choosing Last Christmas. Charity rolls her eyes. Of course she picked a Christmas rom-com two weeks after Christmas and it had to be a musical type of deal. Vanessa just smiles, placing a kiss on her cheek. 

Vanessa purchases the tickets and buys the extra large bag of popcorn and drink they offer. She makes her way towards Charity, the only way to tell that it is in fact Vanessa are the boots on her feet. She takes the offered items off of the blonde.

“Feeding the five thousand there buttercup?” She winks, a shiver coursing through Vanessa. 

“The pop-corns the best bit but I got salted if that okay?

“Let me guess because your sweet enough?”

Vanessa laughs loudly causing the people around them to turn and stare. This seems to make her laugh more. 

“Come on you! Before you cause even more of a scene”. She nudges Vanessa with her knee towards the doors and entering the screen. 

The outside is nothing compared to the inside. In place of standard cinema seats, red and burgundy couches take their place. Cushions sit upon them and the lack of a middle arm rests makes things look huge. They take their seats in the back row. Charity raises her eyebrow, towards Vanessa. 

“Trying to get lucky babe?”

“Depends on who's offering” 

They kiss again. Slow. Soft. Wanting. The screen buzzes into life as they jump apart. Vanessa threads her fingers through Charity’s. The popcorn wedged between them.

The film is constantly interrupted by the small glances the women give to each other. Whenever Vanessa smiles Charity can’t help but stare. Her whole face glows, her cheek bones becoming more defined and the vein in her neck slightly pops. Charity’s mind replaying the image of her grazing her teeth over it and the way she had moaned her name. Vanessa loves Charity’s smile but she loves her concentration face more. The way her brow knits together, her eyes wide, mouth slightly open. It takes all her willpower not to jump her there, an action replay of the night before. 

Something else Vanessa has noticed is the way Charity always needs to be touching. Whether that be holding her hand, a hand on her knee or drawing slow patterns upon her wrist. Whenever Vanessa withdraws, even for a second. Charity grabs for another part of her body, her features relaxing again. Each time she takes the hand. Kissing the back softly, just to see the small smile on her lips. 

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“Whatcha fancy food wise” Vanessa asks as they leave the cinema. She puts her hand in Charity’s pocket, cupping the hand inside, there steps falling into time. 

“Whatever you want. I’ve never really been in a restaurant or anything. We didn’t really have the money as a kid and then you know” Charity looks around, a slight blush settling on her cheeks. 

“Well we could just go in here”? She says pointing up at the large TGI’s sign 

Charity nods and follows Vanessa inside. It’s loud. The chart music pumping through the room and the red lights making everything look dark. The young server seats them in a booth away from the other few diners in the room. Another server approaches them and takes a drinks order, Vanessa orders two mojitos and moves closer to Charity. 

“Anything take your fancy?” 

Charity pushes the menu away. The amount of choice is overwhelming and the noises and neon lights aren't helping. 

“Ness I don’t think I can do this I’m sorry for ruining tonight but”

Vanessa reaches for Charity’s hand placing two fingers on her wrists pulse point. Charity’s breathing starts to regulate, the shaking subsiding. 

“Yes you can.I know you can. How about we get a main and a pudding?”

“Yeah, yeah that sounds good” Charity stutters, her mind focusing on the rhythmic feel of her girlfriend's pulse. 

“Okay, well I’m gonna get the sesame chicken strips and chips. Do you want that or something else?”

The drinks arrive and Vanessa asks for a few more minutes. Letting Charity take as long as she needs. 

“A chicken burger would be good. Please. Can I, Can I get fudge cake for dessert?”

The hope in her voice reminds Vanessa of a child. Begging for ice cream on a day out. 

“You can get whatever you want”  
The rest of the meal is bliss. They hold hands while they wait for their meal. Watching the world go by, Charity making snarky comments about people as they pass. Vanessa laughs from her toes, tears removing the makeup she put on earlier. They eat their food in comfortable silence, only breaking the quiet to offer each other a taste of the food. Charity practically licks the bowl when her fudge cake comes and Vanessa wipes the chocolate from the corners of her mouth, kissing her as she does so. 

\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
“Home or did you have anything else planned?” Charity questions as they walk through the city center. The sky is a mixture of pinks and yellows, the sun just setting. 

“We could go into the gay village? There’s a little pub I go into a lot. It’s not too loud and it never gets full.”

Vanessa knows that the mainstream gay clubs could and probably would freak Charity out. The lights, the people and the music are all too much for her wary mind.

“Yeah, yeah I’d like that”

They arrive in the gay village, rainbow flags adorn the street lights, followed by a multitude of other pride flags representing the LGBTQ+ community. The pub Vanessa takes them to is small. Two neon pride flags sit proudly alongside its name, The New Penny. There are a few tables occupied by couples,and a few students sit in the corners. 

“Vanessa! Long time no see! It’s been so long!” Vanessa is engulfed by arms from the pubs owner Chas.

“It's good to see you! This is my girlfriend Charity”. 

Chas looks up slowly, her head dropping back almost immediately. Charity continues to stare at her. Eyes fixed on the women's black hair. Vanessa had no idea that her “friend” was her girlfriend's cousin, someone who had let her down time and time again. Charity places her hand around her middle protectively, holding her close. 

“Nice. Nice to meet you, love! Two pints yeah? I’ll stick it on your tab”. She stutters out, running round to the other side of the bar. 

Charity finds a table and watches as the barmaid refuses to look in her direction. She doesn't notice Vanessa sitting down next to her and is brought out of her thoughts by knees bumping together. 

“Do you two no each other?” Vanessa asks following the path of Charity’s eyes. 

“We used to, haven't seen her in a couple of years, she wasn't exactly supportive” She says through gritted teeth. 

“We can go? Take this back to the flat?”

“We’re staying. I’m here to enjoy a drink with my girlfriend. I’m not having my past dictate to me what I do now. I need to think about me and you and what our future looks like”

Vanessa wipes away a stray tear as Charity leans in a kisses her. She tries to convey exactly how she feels into the kiss. That she wants a future with Charity. That this is it forever if she’ll have her. They spend the next few hours drinking, laughing and talking. Their body's getting ever closer. Chas has disappeared, Charity hopes its guilt that's drove her away. A live band comes on, they play songs in a folk style and Charity notices the way Vanessa taps her foot along. 

While Vanessa nips to the loo Charity approaches the band and whispers into the lead singers ear. He nods and the band strikes up a much slower beat than before. As Vanessa makes her way back, Charity is stood near their table, a shy smile on her lips. She points to her ear and she stops to listen. Yellow is playing.

“Can I have this dance?” Charity whispers into her ear. Vanessa links her arms around Charity’s neck, as Charity places her hand on her hips. 

“Your a softy really aren't you” Vanessa whispers, looking into now dark green eyes. 

“Only because of your buttercup. This song just reminds me of you. So much yellow” They laugh together, gently swaying in the middle of a half empty pub. 

“Thank you for tonight but thank you for sorting out today's mini crisis but for not being scared every time I have one and I have quite a few”

“Are you calling me a crisis junkie” Vanessa chuckles. 

“Probably”

“I know you’d do the same for me”

Charity shakes her head at the thought.

“Not like this. You are something truly special”

Vanessa stops swaying looking directly at Charity.

“Whatcha mean not like this?”

“Oh you no unwavering and gorgeous with it. Were not all as amazing as you”

Vanessa drops her gaze, focusing on the bruise on Charity’s neck. 

“I love you. I really, really stupidly and completely love you”. 

Vanessa’s head snaps back up. She gulps, trying to keep tears at bay. 

“course you do because I wouldn't go and fall in love with someone who didn't love me back would I?”

“Your not saying that because”

“Charity” Vanessa interrupts. “I really really stupidly and completely love you too”.


End file.
